I could never be a writer

I love to write, I do.

But I love to do it when I want to do it.

Writing on demand has never been my forte.

When I was writing my dissertation, I would plan certain times that I would write…set aside certain day and set hours. It didn’t work. It would take me three hours to rework a paragraph and in the end I typically reverted to my original words and thought. It took a looming due date before I glued my rear to the chair and banged out the pages.

Before my dissertation, I loved to blog. I would come up with what I’d like to think were some pretty funny stories told in a pithy style. Again…the dissertation ruined that for me. It was forever before I was able or interested in blogging again. Or writing in general.

But…I am hoping maybe the bad taste has left?

This weekend I wrote a short synopsis for a chapter proposal, fleshed out three grant proposals and started seriously working on converting my dissertation to a paper*.

Ok…so it’s not pithy, but it is words on a page.

*Taking 200 pages and reducing it to 20 is not as easy as you might think. I was taking the actual file and deleting stuff and it just wasn’t working for me. So now I am highlighting the good stuff from my paper and lifting it. I know it sounds weird, but it feels less negative. Taking instead of deleting.

Are you feeling abandoned?

I haven't forgotten about you all. I just haven't caught up since my "vacation." I will have stuff for you this weekend.

I'm back...just in time for another author visit....

Letting go is hard to do....

So every year my husband and I celebrate our anniversary.  For the past 10 years we have gone to a wonderful spa resort in Mexico that we have since dubbed OP...for our place.

This year with two kids in college, we are feeling the pinch and can't quite swing our annual trip.  I guess we really could, but with so many real life bills, why add to the pile, right?

That said, Fred has planned a "road trip" for us.  He gave me a list of 14 cities, all within a day's drive and asked me to research three things in each city I would like to do and three places in each city I would like to visit. 

Our trip will be to one of those cities. 

Can I tell you how crazy this is making me?

I like to know where we are going, what we are doing and what I need to bring. 

I don't like leaving the decision to important things, like where are we going to eat, to others.

But I am going to have to. 

I will report back....if I make it through alive.



PS....we leave tomorrow at 9 am.  He has told me that I need one casual nice outfit, one semi-dressy outfit and one dressy outfit for the next three nights of dinners.  At least I have a packing list.

Triggers

We all have 'em.

Those things that set us off and get us off track.

Stress is a big one for almost all of us and it hit me hard last week.

I love my profession and truly believe I am doing the thing I was made for.  Being a librarian is a VOCATION for me, not a job. 

But there are weeks.

Last week we had an author visit.  She was a wonderful person, we had a great turnout and everything went off without a hitch. (Ok, there were a couple of hitches, but none that someone from the outside could see.)

But I didn't sleep on Sunday, I was tired and stressed on Monday and by time Tuesday came around, I was ready for the event, and just tired enough to be a little on the numb side.  (that sounds a bit horrible doesn't it?)

The day after, I felt beat up. I think I just hold myself so stiffly, that I feel sore the next day. 

And also...while I am typically a happy and cheerful person, there is a certain "ON-ness" that happens when you work a big event in the public eye.  There is no down. 

So...that was last week.  And last week?  I cleaned a little less.  I washed my face a little less.

I didn't blog.

I let the stress of the week over-ride some of the good habits that I have been trying to adopt.

And do you know what one of my worst habits is?  Letting a slip turn into a fall which results in me (metaphorically) sprawled on the floor.

I hope not this time.

My house is back to being clean. My face is washed and moisturized.  Dinner is on the table (chicken osso buco last night) and I am blogging.

Not well.  But hey, baby steps.

I have another author on Thursday if you are in the neighborhood.
 

Clearing a path

One of the goals I have for this year is to get into good routines.

I am such a creature of habit.  I mean, I am human and I think to varying degrees we are all creatures of habit, both good and bad.

I can get into a good routine and then maintain it for a period of time, but all it takes is a couple of bad days in a row and I am back where I started, if not further behind.

So...I am writing this on the Fall Equinox.  The balance of days...and as always, this date finds me seeking balance.

Sigh.

Ok...so a friend of mine is a big proponent of meditation and for a while there I was trying pretty hard to follow that path.  I liked it.  On the days that I meditated I felt calmer and more organized.  Things didn't faze me and I was super productive.  I don't think productivity is the goal of meditating, but let's call it a handy side effect.

I even purchased (Buddha is rolling his metaphysical eyes right at this VERY moment) a lotus shaped crystal candle holder which served as a focal point.  I placed this is a special spot, on the lower shelf of my bookcase in my office.

So when I open the doors, it looks like this.

Well for a while now, my mediation as fallen off the beaten path.  I blame clutter, both literal and figurative, because this was the state of my office a few days ago.  See that bookcase in the back? That's where my meditation station lives.

 I have been working on the piles of books* and today, I am proud to say that we are back...
















Here is what is being donated to my local middle school and my work city's high school.

* I am on a selection committee for THE TAYSHAS LIST.  Tayshas is a Caddo word for "friend" and it is a for-pleasure reading list for high school students.  These books have all been given to me by publishers.  We have a policy of "catch and release" in our house.  When I am done reading them I pass them along to schools who have little to no money to add fun books to their collection. The public library I work for is fortunate enough to not really *want* for anything in the way of materials.

It's days like today....

...that make you feel old.

I woke up with a crick in my neck and a headache that is living behind my eyes and at the base of my skull.

I want to be positive, but I am feeling every day of my 48 years today.

Sigh.

More upbeat stuff tomorrow.

I hope.