I could never be a writer

I love to write, I do.

But I love to do it when I want to do it.

Writing on demand has never been my forte.

When I was writing my dissertation, I would plan certain times that I would write…set aside certain day and set hours. It didn’t work. It would take me three hours to rework a paragraph and in the end I typically reverted to my original words and thought. It took a looming due date before I glued my rear to the chair and banged out the pages.

Before my dissertation, I loved to blog. I would come up with what I’d like to think were some pretty funny stories told in a pithy style. Again…the dissertation ruined that for me. It was forever before I was able or interested in blogging again. Or writing in general.

But…I am hoping maybe the bad taste has left?

This weekend I wrote a short synopsis for a chapter proposal, fleshed out three grant proposals and started seriously working on converting my dissertation to a paper*.

Ok…so it’s not pithy, but it is words on a page.

*Taking 200 pages and reducing it to 20 is not as easy as you might think. I was taking the actual file and deleting stuff and it just wasn’t working for me. So now I am highlighting the good stuff from my paper and lifting it. I know it sounds weird, but it feels less negative. Taking instead of deleting.

Are you feeling abandoned?

I haven't forgotten about you all. I just haven't caught up since my "vacation." I will have stuff for you this weekend.

I'm back...just in time for another author visit....

Letting go is hard to do....

So every year my husband and I celebrate our anniversary.  For the past 10 years we have gone to a wonderful spa resort in Mexico that we have since dubbed OP...for our place.

This year with two kids in college, we are feeling the pinch and can't quite swing our annual trip.  I guess we really could, but with so many real life bills, why add to the pile, right?

That said, Fred has planned a "road trip" for us.  He gave me a list of 14 cities, all within a day's drive and asked me to research three things in each city I would like to do and three places in each city I would like to visit. 

Our trip will be to one of those cities. 

Can I tell you how crazy this is making me?

I like to know where we are going, what we are doing and what I need to bring. 

I don't like leaving the decision to important things, like where are we going to eat, to others.

But I am going to have to. 

I will report back....if I make it through alive.



PS....we leave tomorrow at 9 am.  He has told me that I need one casual nice outfit, one semi-dressy outfit and one dressy outfit for the next three nights of dinners.  At least I have a packing list.

Triggers

We all have 'em.

Those things that set us off and get us off track.

Stress is a big one for almost all of us and it hit me hard last week.

I love my profession and truly believe I am doing the thing I was made for.  Being a librarian is a VOCATION for me, not a job. 

But there are weeks.

Last week we had an author visit.  She was a wonderful person, we had a great turnout and everything went off without a hitch. (Ok, there were a couple of hitches, but none that someone from the outside could see.)

But I didn't sleep on Sunday, I was tired and stressed on Monday and by time Tuesday came around, I was ready for the event, and just tired enough to be a little on the numb side.  (that sounds a bit horrible doesn't it?)

The day after, I felt beat up. I think I just hold myself so stiffly, that I feel sore the next day. 

And also...while I am typically a happy and cheerful person, there is a certain "ON-ness" that happens when you work a big event in the public eye.  There is no down. 

So...that was last week.  And last week?  I cleaned a little less.  I washed my face a little less.

I didn't blog.

I let the stress of the week over-ride some of the good habits that I have been trying to adopt.

And do you know what one of my worst habits is?  Letting a slip turn into a fall which results in me (metaphorically) sprawled on the floor.

I hope not this time.

My house is back to being clean. My face is washed and moisturized.  Dinner is on the table (chicken osso buco last night) and I am blogging.

Not well.  But hey, baby steps.

I have another author on Thursday if you are in the neighborhood.
 

Clearing a path

One of the goals I have for this year is to get into good routines.

I am such a creature of habit.  I mean, I am human and I think to varying degrees we are all creatures of habit, both good and bad.

I can get into a good routine and then maintain it for a period of time, but all it takes is a couple of bad days in a row and I am back where I started, if not further behind.

So...I am writing this on the Fall Equinox.  The balance of days...and as always, this date finds me seeking balance.

Sigh.

Ok...so a friend of mine is a big proponent of meditation and for a while there I was trying pretty hard to follow that path.  I liked it.  On the days that I meditated I felt calmer and more organized.  Things didn't faze me and I was super productive.  I don't think productivity is the goal of meditating, but let's call it a handy side effect.

I even purchased (Buddha is rolling his metaphysical eyes right at this VERY moment) a lotus shaped crystal candle holder which served as a focal point.  I placed this is a special spot, on the lower shelf of my bookcase in my office.

So when I open the doors, it looks like this.

Well for a while now, my mediation as fallen off the beaten path.  I blame clutter, both literal and figurative, because this was the state of my office a few days ago.  See that bookcase in the back? That's where my meditation station lives.

 I have been working on the piles of books* and today, I am proud to say that we are back...
















Here is what is being donated to my local middle school and my work city's high school.

* I am on a selection committee for THE TAYSHAS LIST.  Tayshas is a Caddo word for "friend" and it is a for-pleasure reading list for high school students.  These books have all been given to me by publishers.  We have a policy of "catch and release" in our house.  When I am done reading them I pass them along to schools who have little to no money to add fun books to their collection. The public library I work for is fortunate enough to not really *want* for anything in the way of materials.

It's days like today....

...that make you feel old.

I woke up with a crick in my neck and a headache that is living behind my eyes and at the base of my skull.

I want to be positive, but I am feeling every day of my 48 years today.

Sigh.

More upbeat stuff tomorrow.

I hope.

I would like to be loyal to the face I have made

“I want to grow old without facelifts... I want to have the courage to be loyal to the face I've made. Sometimes I think it would be easier to avoid old age, to die young, but then you'd never complete your life, would you? You'd never wholly know you” – Marilyn Monroe





Well, we all know how that turned out, don’t we.



I would like to be loyal to the face I have made… with a few minor tweaks. 

As a child of the eighties, I did my best to get the perfect tan; even if that meant sitting in the sun on overcast days covered in iodine infused baby oil.  Ouch.  I was so badly burned that I broke out in blisters all over my chest.  When they popped, I looked like a lizard, with thick scaley skin that took forever to heal. 

I now know better and I don’t think my face has been out in the sun without 70 SPF on it for almost 15 years.

But TX is tough on the skin, especially the left (driving) side of my face.  On top of that, I had brown sun damage on my forehead that was so severe it looked like two hands wrapped around my upper face.
So a few years ago I had my first glycolic peel. 

I know, it sounds extreme, but I thought…what do I have to lose? 

Turns out…the brown spots.

Oh yes, it was ugly.  Really ugly.  I mean I knew that it would be on some level.  A higher intellectual level, but I was pretty surprised at the layers of skin I managed to shed.  Some spots even scabbed.

But still.  The brown spots? They were gone. 

This first and most impactful peel was in about 6 years ago.  I have had one more since, but I think it was worth the money and discomfort.  Just don’t do it before a big event, you need at least two weeks to heal and if you can swing it, schedule a deep facial two weeks after the peel to “clean up” a bit.

But as for surgery…well.

I think my eyes are my best feature.  They are an interesting shape and color.  Sadly, I now notice that my eye lids seem to be getting a little crepey and one a bit saggier than the other. 

Fred will tell you that I am mistaken and more than a bit crazy.

There may be some truth to that.

So…maybe, just maybe, I would get an eye lid lift.

Maybe.

Besides…won’t droopy lids eventually impair my reading ability? 

We can’t have that!

Otherwise…my face isn’t doing too badly for 48.

Now, I feel sort of bad since I just slammed FlyLady.net the other day for telling people to wash their faces, and brush their teeth, but in truth, I sometimes forget to moisturize.

So that is another habit I am going to try to acquire this year. 

Who knows…maybe I will look better at 49 than I did at 48?

Maybe?

It could happen. 

It's not the tragedies that kill us, it's the messes ~ Dorothy Parker

I am not a clean person.

Ok...let me rephrase that.  I am not a neat person.  I tend to collect clutter.  Now underneath the clutter, it probably needs to be vacuumed and dusted, but there isn't any rotting food, or dead animals.  There are no mystery smells. 

Just clutter.

But I do think that clutter gets in the way, both literally and figuratively.

So, on my list of habits to obtain and/or break for the year is a cleaner house. Not because a cleaner house means that I am a better person, or that it is my role as a woman to be the one to clean the house but simply because the clutter is killing me and I am a happier person when I don't have to cringe every time the doorbell rings.  

Aguably, this is easier now that there are just three people living in the house.  The mess-load and my workload is 3/4s what it used to be....BUT we are also getting into a good routine.  For the past couple of weeks...since my B-Day, I have spent my first day off of the week cleaning and that includes helping my son clean his area.

The first week this took several hours.

Last week it took three.

This week two.

Now I have moved on to adding special projects to the housework habit.

I am using two things to help me improve on what I am doing...

An iPhone app called HomeRoutine* and emails from FlyLady.net.

Basically they are both part of the same thing, but FlyLady has always struck me as being more hand holding and life-coaching.  Example...Flylady tells you that you need to take care of *you* and reminds users to wash their face and brush their teeth every night.  Erm.  I don't really need that much hand-holding.

They both cut your house into zones and encourage you to concentrate on a different zone each week, on top of your general dusting and mopping.

Example: Last week HomeRoutine told me that the zone was the kitchen and reminded me to clean the pantry and refrigerator.  Good point!  By time this zone rolls around again, it will be time again.

Now, FlyLady also sends you daily reminders of little 15 minute things you can do to make sure your zone gets the extra attention it needs via what they call "daily missions."  Today's daily mission is to wipe down the base of the toilet and around the back.

Confession time: I don't always clean the toilet (oh heck, who am I kidding? I am the only one who cleans the toilets!) but when I do, I always clean the base.  And I think I always forget that little piece of floor that is behind the base.  Good call FlyLady.net!

OK...so I have two or three weeks under my belt.  Let's see if I can keep this up!

 *Isn't routine a funny word? It is one of those words that the more you look at it the more the more you say to yourself: "Surely that isn't how you spell that!"

B-DAY

When I was a teenager I loved it when people told me I looked older.  I relished it.  Getting older was the sign of something then.  A sign that you were equipped to handle the stuff grown ups did.  Of course the grown-up stuff was mostly sex and in truth the only thing I was equipped with was a nice size bra cup.

By youth is fickle and pretty soon life has its way with us.  School, jobs, child-birth, children and the trials and tribulations of real grown-up life age you inside and out.

"You're only as old as you feel"

Well, lately I have been feeling it.  Mostly because of recent life changes, but also because of physical ones.  My oldest has lived on her own for quite some time now, and the middle one has gone off to school.  And then there was one.

And, can I mention...my back hurts.  Like every day. And I look in the mirror and I see the scars age has left.

But the alternative isn't all that great is it?

My mother died when I was an infant.  She was 22.  I have now lived 26 years longer, been married 25 years longer and had three times as many children as she did.  

For this I am grateful.

For the other things...well I am still learning. Learning who I am, who I am to become and how to cope with the dreams that I have left on the side of the road.

So with these things in mind, I am going to attempt a year of change.  Going to write a list of things I want to address not because I have to do it but because I want to do it.

And that is the project.  To make 48 a great year.